Dear Unlikely Reader,
None of us know what the future is. We all think about ideal scenarios (or I hope we all do…) in our heads of a perfect future. But, ever ask yourself if that is really just a daydream? I know I don’t. I’m a lonely optimist. Before today, I never once realized that my daydreams and bullshit imaginary scenarios that I comfort and indulge myself 98% of the time were not actually my future.
You may be able to guess my age and my gender from this post, because it is probably about to get very similar to a stereotype of what I am. But, I will leave that to you.
I get bored. And sad. Sometimes, I get bored of being sad and I get sad because I am bored. I never know what my emotions are and I never know that something needs fixing, especially when I don’t even realize there is a problem (much like the time my mom figured out the plumbing had a leak in it until the toilet was flushed and she was in the basement doing laundry and also apparently taking a shower). Anyway… the point is; I’m usually confused and I am usually sad unless I have too much coffee, and in the case that I am both sad, highly caffeinated, and staying up late after watching too much tv in my bedroom literally all day, I may just turn into Plato or Confucius.
Let me explain to you how I am confused…
I am confused because I have absolutely no idea who I am, or even what I am. I used to be a big thinker after tragedy hit my family, and I would spend my after noons thinking about who I wanted to be and what my thoughts really told me about myself. Then I discovered the greatest thing of all- music. Rock n Roll and soul allowed me to stop thinking about my sad little middle school self and Jimi Hendrix drowned out the voices in my head leading me to self discovery. And I am sorry Jimi, I love you. But, I have to say I stopped learning who I was (or am, I’m not really quite sure) after…well…. I guess.. *long contemplation*… *this is here to show you that I am really perplexed bc I don’t know how to finish this sentence*… Hmm, I guess what I am trying to say is that whatever you think about is who you are. Your thoughts, and your imagination makes you who you are. You can’t have a positive life with a negative mind, and you can’t keep truckin through the tough world without a pep talk once in a while.. catch my drift??
Well, with music and tv shows, I stopped thinking my own thoughts. Without those thoughts that shaped my whole entire day, week, year, and life- I got lost. I started to become whatever I had listened to or read or seen that day. One week, I am a mellow and deep Kurt Cobain (from About a Son), the next I’m hyper and IDGAF member of Odd Future (from the Tyler the Creator concert and binge watching Loiter Sqaud). Right now, it is late and I am in the Plato mood as described up above. I just finished binge watching sitcom The Mindy Project for the night and I am feeling, well, confused. Again.
I have no idea who I am. I have become someone who wants to have the attitude of a skinny girl wearing leather but also someone who cares about the world. I want to be a rocker but a rapper. I want straight hair, but I love my natural big curls. I love peanut butter, but I hate the calories (but that’s a problem most of us have to deal with).
When someone asks me who I am, I don’t want to name the last documentary I watched or what new band I’ve been listening to. I want to be able to tell them how I feel and what I like. I don’t even form my own opinions anymore. I feel like I just absorb everything. My insides were once paper with all my thoughts on them, like all my journal entries from when I was so self assured, and it’s like someone saw those as worthless. My emotions and my thoughts and my dreams were so worthless that they took those diaries that took years to acquire and recycled them and now I am just blank pieces of paper begging to be written on. I soak up every word that I can get out of someone or something. I just want to be something again.
Ps i’m not editing this. too sad. too many tears. when you’re done reading this please go look up cool facts about science and look at cool pictures of animals and donate. thanks.